Talking with Children about Death
When talking to a child about death, it is first best to determine your own personal and spiritual views on the topic. Next, determine with your child what he or she already believes about death. Encourage an open and frank conversation. It is recommended that you hold your child as much as possible in order to make them feel secure and less afraid. Of course the conversation may become difficult and you may not have all the answers. If this is the case, tell them you do not know. Don't be afraid to admit that you are not sure either. This is much better than making something up that will later confuse or upset them.
Let your child know that you too feel sad. Don't be afraid to let your child see you cry. Explain why you are sad and reassure them that it is okay for them to feel sad and cry if they want to. Tell the truth. Children are more resilient than we think. Never lie to "protect them," they may resent you later for not being truthful.
One of the things that is most troubling is to hear someone tell their child that the deceased "has gone to sleep" or "is on a long trip." Never do this, it will only confuse and upset children more. In doing this we are minimizing the realization and finality of death. Explain that death is final and at this point you must incorporate your own spiritual and religious views on the subject. You may want to have a trusted member of the clergy with you when you get to this point.
Children may also think that something they did or said caused the person to die. Reassure them that this is not true. Explain that feeling angry because a person has died is also natural. Tell them that adults too feel anger as well.
Finally, encourage children to attend the funeral and make visits to the cemetery, but NEVER force them to go. They are members of the family and they too have a right to take part in the services. By attending the funeral, it may often "clear up" any misconceptions they might have. If possible, let them take an active part in the service. For example, encourage them to write a letter to the deceased and let them place it in the casket. This makes them feel important and closer to the person who has died.
Death is never an easy subject to discuss with anyone especially a child but at some point, questions will be asked and it's better if you are prepared with the answers before the time arises. Please feel free to contact us with any other questions you have. We have videos that you may take home and watch with your children. We have a booklet that explains in greater detail some of the things discussed here and we have a coloring book that beautifully and carefully addresses the question of death. Stop by our office and we will be most happy to give you the information and resources you need to make this discussion a little easier.
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Being there for your child is very important at this time.
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We have an area where children can sit, relax and enjoy themselves during the service.
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